Mr. Grammar's Infinite Words of Wisdom

"Far Speak" as lingua franca

2012-01-25T22:04:00.003-05:00

Why is she demanding a cheeseburger at gun point? We may never know.

I'll be surprised if you find the term "Far Speak" anywhere besides here (where it refers to the fictitious piecemeal language featured throughout the not-nearly-popular-or-successful-enough-for-how-awesome-it-really-is Farscape television series, that is).

One of the major problems that science fiction and science fantasy storytellers tend to run into is that of a common language (lingua franca) between different species and / or nations. Often enough, storytellers in this genre neglect to explain how or why so many different species across a solar system, galaxy, or universe are able to communicate. Usually this is because it isn't a relevant concern in the story. Since language is one of our primary means of communication of our history and culture, however, those storytellers that even give only a passing explanation provide their audience with greater insight into their fictitious universe.

Star Wars solved the problem by creating a universal or 'state' language enforced by the Republic / Empire (while also utilizing limited use of subtitles, later to be explained that not all species were capable or comfortable making the necessary vocalizations to speak Galactic Basic). In Dr. Who, the T.A.R.D.I.S. (and The Doctor himself) project a telepathic field that allows sentient creatures (robotic, organic, cybernetic, or even virtual) to comfortably and effectively communicate with each other. Star Trek has its universal translator. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe has its babel fish.

In Farscape, creators Brian Henson and Rockne S. O'Bannon introduced translator microbes (very similar to babel fish), which are symbiotic organisms injected intravenously (at birth in most cases), and which migrate to the base of the brain stem where they 're-wire' the host's brain in such a way that the host is able to understand virtually any spoken language. Throughout the show, however, we learn that the translator microbes are imperfect as they are unable to translate certain abstract concepts, which appear to be primarily vulgarity (although these many, many vulgar 'alien' words may actually just be universally recognized throughout the civilized and uncivilized territories featured in the show), time keeping (again, these might just be actually common words within the context of the show), and wormholes.

There are several episodes throughout the show's four seasons that depict the non-human protagonists speaking in their native languages (including the pilot episode as well). Eventually, Aeryn Sun decides to go out of her way to learn to speak English as a gesture of respect for her love interest, John Crichton. While this does provide some comic relief in the course of the usually dark and gritty misadventures of those traveling aboard Moya, Aeryn's effort to learn English is such a massive gesture because she doesn't need to learn it to communicate with John (unlike recent addition to the crew, Sikozu, whose physiology is incompatible with translator microbes and thus must actually learn every language she wishes to interact with). But if you don't believe me, and you're a native English speaker, learn how to say some simple phrases in another language, then use them the best you can in a conversation with someone whose native language that is. I guarantee you'll be significantly more respected almost immediately.

$#!+ and other profane euphemisms

2011-12-20T13:41:00.000-05:00

Science Fiction and Fantasy stories, in an effort to create otherness or the illusion of otherness, tend to utilize euphemisms, especially for expletives. Dr. Seuss and Lewis Carroll are two authors who used this brand of contextual-based gibberish very effectively. After them came The Smurfs (isn't that just so Smurfy?), then Pirates of Dark Water (noy jitat, jitatin, chonga, chongo-longo, and naja dog), then Babylon 5 (frag, shrock, etc.), then Farscape (frell, dren, arn, cycle, hezmana, and a surprisingly vast trove of others), then Firefly (gorram, etc.), followed by the reimagined Battlestar Galactica (frak, etc.).

As I mentioned above, use of this convention is - at its root - to highlight otherness. This can be done just for fun, to bypass censorship in communicating strong expletives without using "real" words, or to make social commentary.

The posts to follow will delve deeper into several of the examples listed above. For now, however, I wanted to talk a little bit about Firefly's use of euphemisms.

I never thought much of Firefly's use of Mandarin and Cantonese to execute all sorts of wacky vulgarities because I always took it at face value: that Joss et al were taking advantage of a loophole to do their best to sneak as much vulgarity past the censors as they could (without sacrificing the story).

I don't know if it's by accident or design, but their use of Mandarin and Cantonese as the vulgar or low language and English as the noble or high language parallels the culture in England after the Norman's conquered the island (German was the low language and French was the high language). In Firefly, the Alliance is the official governing body, composed of two core societies that emigrated from "Earth-that-was" hundreds of years ago. One core society is Western while the other is pan-Asian, and I suspect that - based on the use of language in the show - the Western culture is dominant, or at least white collar. Alternatively, the pan-Asian culture might have contributed their language as vulgar if their values were more militaristic or blue collar in nature.

It's food for thought, if nothing else, and a great example of how the use of language provides tremendous insight into the history and values of a culture.

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.” - Lewis Carroll

We should all follow the "Weird Al " Yankovic's example

2011-01-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

A personal thank you goes out to Wierd Al. :)

Even evil empires know that grammar matters.

2010-08-24T09:10:00.000-04:00

A conversation between two Stormtroopers.

Ohio Diner Goofs

2010-06-25T09:56:00.000-04:00

I made a road trip out to Ohio recently, to visit a friend of mine who's a trucker. We sat down at a nice diner for a bite to eat and had a few giggles at the menu. Here are just two of the many goofs that we spotted.

Exhibit A is little more than a typo.

Exhibit B is somewhat ambiguous. Is "Dinners" the beginning of the sentence? If so, there is no punctuation. If not, then why is the restaurant telling its customers that they need to bring their own sides (unless otherwise stated)?

Dear Internet...

2010-06-25T08:14:00.004-04:00

Original link: http://i.imgur.com/XfppW.jpg

A friend and fellow Grammar Geek e-mailed me this little treasure. :D

Proverbial fun

2010-05-26T12:10:00.001-04:00

Birds of a feather flock together (but opposites attract? WTF?!).

This post brought to you by the inspirational power of Big Trouble in Little China.

Wang Chi:
A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face, Jack.

Egg Shen:
Yeah, and a wise man has enough sense to get in out of the rain!

The Unveiling

2010-05-22T00:38:00.000-04:00

I've been working long and hard to introduce a new look to the Red Tie Products website, and let me tell you - it wasn't easy!

I'm sure it wouldn't take nearly as much time as it does, except that I lack formal training and make all my edits using note pad. I know there are a million free HTML editors out there that streamline the whole process, but coding is a puzzle for me; and certainly a language with its own set of rules to revel in.

House M.D. - Expertly Entertaining

2010-04-28T13:28:00.000-04:00

As a writer, I appreciate House on a few different levels.

House is a modern analog of Sherlock Holmes (Holmes...Homes...House...get it?). They're both drug addicts, super sleuths, manipulative, and anti-social. They also both have best friends who are physicians and who wear their heart on their sleeves (Watson and Wilson), who were once married, but lost their wives.
The story arcs are good and the dialogue is great.
Each episode is composed of 3-4 story arcs. That is, there is an A (primary) story and a B (secondary) story for the characters. Then there's the mystery of the illness they're dealing with. Every once in a great while it's pretty straightforward, but being the series is in the mystery genre and treats the illnesses as characters, there are sometimes A and B stories for the illness itself. All of this is woven together quite expertly.

Breeding dogs, horses and humans

2010-04-28T12:08:00.000-04:00

I've been looking over our community outreach program lately, and it reminded me of how much dog (and other domesticated animal) breeding bothers me.

If you're a dog lover, then you're aware of the various *inherited* health problems for the different breeds (and if you're not a dog lover, then you've just learned something new!). These health concerns are the result of genetic engineering through breeding. Breeders will find 2+ favorable characteristics in 2+ breeds of dogs (or other animals). After X# of generations, a new breed of dog emerges with said favorable characteristics, but also at least a few serious health problems.

There are benefits to this practice, to be sure, but I can't help but question it when comparing the benefits to the genetic harm it's causing to the dogs. Also, I know full well that eugenics programs (breeding programs for humans) have long been recognized as immoral and inhumane.

Sure, the domestication of animals has been an integral part of humanity's development, from hunting partners (wolves/dogs) to helping streamline the work on the farm (horses/oxes) to transporting people and things (horses, camels, etc.); but I think we're at a point where - by and large - we can probably cut back on this.

One of these days I'm going to have to sit down with an animal breeder and a geneticist and a philosopher and we'll sort this whole thing out. Until then, I'm very interested in what other people think.

Stormtroopers as diverse as they are charitable

2010-04-25T11:54:00.003-04:00

Make-A-Wish Foundation Event on April 28, 2007 for Joshua Foley

Photo courtesy of the 501^st Legion: Vader’s Fist

When you attend multiple comic/pop-culture conventions every year like I do, you can't help but notice all the great Star Wars costumes. Many of them are sanctioned 501st members, and they're all really great people.

The following is a reproduction of an article I wrote for my journalism class, which focuses on the diversity of this charitable organization.

Special thanks to Fluffy and Mr. McPherson for agreeing to be interviewed.

The 501^st Legion: Vader’s Fist is perhaps one of the lesser known (and quirkier) charitable organizations, requiring its members to dress up in professional grade Star Wars costumes for their events.

“To be honest, there’s a lot of fun in it, but I do it for the voluntary work we do. I like that kind of thing. Making kids smile is one of the ultimate things we can do,” said 501^st member Loujaue McPherson, 46, proud father of four.

From visiting children’s hospitals to attending events like Make-A-Wish or various walks for diseases, the 501^st are there to entertain the people and provide support for the cause. Primarily, the members of the 501^st will parade, mingle, have their pictures taken with fans, and lend a hand with ceremonies.

“I remember one time I walked around the corner [in my Darth Vader costume], and there were a bunch of kids with dollar store lightsabers, so I pulled mine out and they came right at me, and we fought for a little while. There were more lightsabers than kids, so they kept switching out. We all had a lot of fun. For us, making kids smile is one of the ultimate things we can do,” said McPherson.

“The core of the 501^st is a love of Star Wars that transcends age, race, gender, religion, politics. It’s a story that everyone – no matter what they believe – can relate to. People from all facets of life come together to use that mutual love to reach out to the community,” said Tony ‘Fluffy’ Piccolo, who joined the 501^st when he was 18 (the minimum age to become a member).

Piccolo was the Event Coordinator in WV, DE and PA for two years, and Captain of the Guard in the same tri-state area for one year.

“The Captain of the Guard position is important because we’re a pretty diverse group, full of all ages, races and backgrounds. It really brings people from all walks together. Of course, as with any group, the more diverse it is, the more opinions differ. My job [as the Captain of the Guard] is to keep the peace and act as mediator for the members in my chapter,” said Piccolo, age 23.

The original trilogy features – almost exclusively – male Caucasian characters. Princess Leia Organa and an obscure Rebel commander are two of the only females featured in the entire original trilogy.

Piccolo estimated that approximately “1 in every 6 Stormtroopers is actually a woman under the helmet. In the new trilogy you’ll actually see greater racial diversity and a lot more women, including female Jedi. It’s definitely much more diverse. My personal opinion is that a) they learned that the first trilogy appeals to a wider range of people than just 10-14 year old boys; and b) the world is much more politically correct now.”

Although they may not have a galaxy-wide reach, the 501^st does have a strong presence in North and South America, Europe and Asia. They have garrisons (25+ members) in all 50 states and more than 20 countries, and a presence in over 250 countries.

To learn more about the 501^st Legion: Vader’s Fist and their work, visit their online headquarters at www.501st.com or watch the documentary, Heart of an Empire.

Shiny Things!

2010-03-25T13:55:00.002-04:00

This weekend will be our first big push on the jewelry end of things, and I'm nervously excited about it!

Also, it'll be nice to visit NYS again.

New Blog Service! (or not)

2010-03-24T22:56:00.003-04:00

Aside from not having much in the way of spare time, I'm going to take the liberty of accusing WordPress of false advertisement. Their "famous 5-minute installation"? Yeah. Definitely not. I sunk at least an hour into trying to figure it all out. And they even say that you don't need to know much of anything. Bleh.

Cookies For Breakfast?!

2010-03-12T11:06:00.004-05:00

The snow has melted as quickly as it has fallen. The part that truly amazes me, though, is that even the salt-covered snow banks on the sides of the roads are mostly gone as well. The reason this blows my mind is because I grew up in upstate New York, where those snow banks would linger on well into July.

To celebrate the warmer (but not quite warm) weather, I had an ice cream sandwich for breakfast this morning. It was delicious and brought back many childhood memories. Unfortunately, none of those childhood memories were of me eating ice cream sandwiches for breakfast (pesky parents being responsible!).

Still, I think having an ice cream sandwich on an almost warm morning for breakfast makes many of the pitfalls of adulthood almost worth it. :D

Bed, Bath & Beyond Grammar!

2009-08-12T21:05:00.007-04:00

I didn't want anyone to think I was being mean or malicious with this, so I waited a while before scanning and posting this. Other than putting a line through the address of the specific store location that put out this horrid excuse for a flyer, this image/document has not been doctored whatsoever. In fact, the entire Bridal area was littered with signs chock full of poor or otherwise incomprehensible grammar.

See how many of the errors you can find. Then lose 2d6+5 SAN. If you get that joke, regain 1d6 SAN.

Stop crime - learn to read!

2009-08-11T10:16:00.006-04:00

I was doing some independent research for a newsletter article for my day job when I found this:

LITERACY STATISTICS & JUVENILE COURT:
85% of all juveniles who interface with the juvenile court system are functionally illiterate
More than 60% of all prison inmates are functionally illiterate.
Penal institution records show that inmates have a 16% chance of returning to prison if they receive literacy help, as opposed to 70% who receive no help. This equates to taxpayer costs of $25,000 per year per inmate and nearly double that amount for juvenile offenders.
Illiteracy and crime are closely related. The Department of Justice states, "The link between academic failure and delinquency, violence, and crime is welded to reading failure." Over 70% of inmates in America's prisons cannot read above a fourth grade level.

So help keep the streets clean and safe and spread the word about our shirts and totes because, clearly, Grammar Matters!

Screaming Tiki Con

2009-07-29T16:59:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I was in Ohio a few weeks ago for the Screaming Tiki Convention - the only sizable comic/pop culture convention in the Cleveland area for over 30 years. Or so I'm told.

First off, I have to say that Cleveland folks are the absolutely nicest group of collective people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting - from the security, the parking garage attendants, the volunteers and even the bar tenders/waiters. All these folks went out of their way to make my first experience in Ohio a really great one.

Then, of course, the celebrities were awesome: Pappa Adama, Michael Rosenbaum, Sam Witwer, and all the rest. Really cool folks, all, especially when it came to signing the charity shirt, which I hope to be ready to auction by the end of this year.

Anyway, the absolutely best part of my Ohio venture were two very young children: Gabe and Austyn (brother and sister, respectively). They both dream of becoming artists and - even though I told them I was not the artist responsible for the designs - they both still insisted on getting my autograph. That brings me back to the days just after college, when I went around doing book signings and poetry slams. Good times :)

I look forward to returning to Screaming Tiki Con (and Ohio in general) next year.

Uncle Jack - OMG That's Real??

2009-05-26T13:15:00.003-04:00

Uncle Jack is universally considered a lewd design. I understand why (sexual and taboo nature). This is also - in part - why it's so hilarious (probably less so for girls).

Anyway, while I was at my neighbor's baby shower this weekend, I met her best friend from South Carolina who went to school to learn about horses (the name of the program is really long and I can't remember it). As we got to talking about my shirts and her horses, it was inevitable that Uncle Jack took center stage.

The process of 'milking' a horse was explained to me. I'll spare the gruesome details, but basically one person holds a bucket while the other reaches in to squeeze the prostate. None of her classmates were particularly enthused - let alone comfortable - with that part of the course. And this particular lady was exempt from any of the hands-on activities due to a broken bone.

With my mind effectively blown, I couldn't help but ask, "Well why not just let nature take its course?"

Apparently because nature is kinky and totally into S&M.

See, the Stallion sometimes gets a little rough and bites the Mare's crest (the part of the neck where the mane grows from). This isn't a playful kind of bite though. It usually draws blood. But thanks to the course of their evolution (mainly being prey animals), they have no nerve endings in their crest (or their tails, as it turns out). So the Mare doesn't feel any pain.

Aside from being gross to clean up after, I imagine there'd be a risk of infection to the open wounds in addition to the obvious cosmetic complications.

She says that some breeders use the equivalent of blow-up dolls. I don't know if these dolls are actually like robots at all or if our tangent started after that (ie, "If you elect me mayor, I promise a robot in every house!").

So the moral of the story is, "Wow. I never imagined Mother Nature was such a kinky girl!"

Cubicle Buddies!

2009-05-23T08:45:00.003-04:00

Okay, so Red Tie Products is run out of my house. At least for the time being.

Anyway, Marie and I have our own separate (though adjacent) offices. She uses hers to correct papers and whatnot when she's being an English teacher, as well as whatever crafts she's up to. I use mine for Red Tie Products and all my other projects. Except I never had enough room in my office for storage, so I kept everything in 'the tower' (the storage space on the third floor).

Anyway, we agreed to be cubicle buddies (ie, she's moving her office into mine), and her old office is going to be storage for all textiles, including my t-shirts and her sewing projects.

Huzzah!

And don't ask me how, but the way that I rearranged everything, there's WAY more space.

Also, I found our Christmas tree and 2-in-1 heater/air conditioner! (we've been looking for them for the past year and a half!)

So yeah, in case anyone's had a delay in getting their orders shipped out, this is, in part, why.

You Must Not Read From The Blog!

2009-05-01T08:52:00.014-04:00

If you're reading this, then you might want to consider a hobby and/or career that doesn't involve adventuring, mummies, Egyptology, museums, treasure hunting, obscure books/languages or anything related to H.P. Lovecraft/Cthulu. Librarians, gunfighters and members of secret societies are also suspect. If your career and/or hobby already involves one or more of these, then you may have doomed us all. Good job.

But since you're here and we probably don't have much time before the end of the world thanks to your insatiable curiosity and blatant disregard for clear warnings, you might as well finish what you started.

[Necronom]I-Con SF is a "book" that outlines the ritual gathering of human flesh and blood. The name itself roughly translates to, "A gathering of sci-fi and fantasy geeks."

The most notable of the many arcane rituals requires a high priest (roughly translating to 'celebrity' or 'special guest' - scholars can't decide which) to channel the flock's Geekery by recalling anecdotes and answering questions.

Strangely, it's also common for those participating in any rituals to wear - as tribute - intricate costumes, practically guaranteeing that they will never be forgotten by the Geek Gods That Must Not Be Named.

. . .

But enough tangents and tomfoolery. I could keep that analogy going for a long time (not that I needed to cut out a few paragraphs or anything *cough* *cough*). Nevertheless, it's a pretty accurate description of what happens at any con (in case you've never been to one).

Specific activities or themes might vary from con to con (specific to genre, theme, TV series/film, etc.). Panel discussions, Q&As, trivia contests and even Live Action Role Playing (LARPing) are common. Often, it's a smorgasbord (can you believe that's a real word?) of, well, pretty much anything you can imagine, from Final Fantasy to the Oregon Trail.

As our neighbor observed,

"Where else can you see eight different Links in the same room as elves and [Imperial] Stormtroopers?"

And he's right. Cons are like mega gigantic no holds barred sort of crazy weekend-long Halloween parties (except the 'free candy' happens to be eye candy instead of free swag for your taste buds). So if you've never gone to one, you should change that.

Now, I-Con isn't the biggest or most prestigious of all the cons on the tour chart, but I'd say it has one of the best personalities. Everyone - guests, celebrity/special guests, vendors and volunteers - were really totally wicked cool (sorry, I was channeling some Bill & Ted there).

Examples:
Dennis and Kelly Sullivan helped us get celebrity signatures for our charity shirt, our fellow vendors (neighbors and otherwise) were willing to help us out more than once (namely, Kimono Girls lent us their spare PVC piping to hang our banner from), guests and special guests hung out with us at the booth, and even Nicki Clyne seemed to enjoy our company.

And, adding a nice scientific balance to wild creativity, there were physics (and other) professors leading panel discussions on science in science fiction, and so on.

The only thing I regret is not having enough space to set up Mr. Grammar. After all, he does have the power to save us from certain doom!

*hrm*

So before I get carried away again, I guess the moral of the story is that if the world (or at least humanity's place in it) isn't completely and utterly destroyed, we hope to see you at (Necronom)I-Con SF in 2010!

Maybe by then we'll finally have hover cars.

[Okay, seriously, I did a really quick Google Image search for 'Cthulu Fan Art' and found this great image. Not only does Michael Dashow's art rock, apparently we share a similar sense of humor.... Now go check out the rest of this guy's awesome work!]

Making A Mr. Grammar Mascot

2009-04-15T08:39:00.011-04:00

Legs: 10’ length of ½” white PVC piping
Arms: 10’ length of ¼” white PVC piping
Spine: 3’ length of ½” white PVC piping
Joints: Various 45-90 degree elbow joints
Hacksaw (you definitely don't want to use power tools for this one!)
Epoxy or other super-adhesive
Aerosol expanding gap-filler foam (to glue the spine to the pelvis)
A few crumpled sheets of paper towel (to stabilize the spine in the pelvis)
Measuring tape
Pencil

I’m a big fan of action figures, so I thought it’d be cool to have a sort of life-sized MR. GRAMMAR™ action figure. A fully articulated and life-sized MR. GRAMMAR™ action figure, that is.

How hard could it be? I asked myself.

Yeah. Right.

Famous last words.

This was just another example of my over-ambitiousness because while we did complete MR. GRAMMAR™, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do. That and we only finished him the day before New York Comic Con 2009 started, which was his debut.

Anyway, after I figured out what pose I wanted him to be in, which was the standard GRAMMAR MATTERS!™ pose, I made a lot of sketches (some of them even to scale!).

Then, after about 6+ trips to Jo-Ann Fabrics and Lowes, I bought all the basic materials, which was pretty much just white PVC piping, a variety of ‘elbows’, a hollow cardboard book and the largest white Styrofoam ball I could find, the latter of which determined his height (due to the nature of proportions and all).

Next, I had to figure out how I wanted to proportion the various arm and leg segments. My main concern was with the legs, actually. To make him look more human, his femur bones needed to be significantly longer, but considering the angle that they were coming out of the ‘pelvis’ it would look like he was squatting somewhat suspiciously, and that was no good. So I thought a 2” difference would be good, but that turned out to be barely perceptible.

So I asked Jon DeMulder to help me out with some of this. Namely with using a circ saw to quickly cut the pieces down…except it didn’t work as well as it might on, say, a plank of wood. Round and smooth plastic is difficult to cut straight, and in the end I used a hacksaw to make the final alterations, which was so much easier, and it didn’t take very long either. I just kept thinking about this audio book I picked up a few years ago. It’s a documentary/memoir called The Body Farm, about one of the pioneers in the field of forensics. I highly recommend it.

After a lot of trial and error and a whopping amount of frustration, Jonny helped me out some more.

See how productive I am now?

Anyway, I ended up switching the femur bones with the shinbones so he would stand taller, which I think makes him look a little more normal. I also significantly cut down his arm segments because he just looked ridiculous otherwise. Like an alien horse-man.

Unfortunately, I didn’t think this through because now the hand that was supposed to be resting on his hip was about 6” too far away. That’s when I picked up the hollow cardboard book, which two teachers at my day job helped me make look like a real dictionary (actually, they totally hijacked that project, but I’m happy they did!).

Then I had to figure out how and where to attach the book. That’s when long-time friend Aaron Das proved invaluable. After some serious goofing off and a lesson in effectively using a box cutter to cut through wood and other materials, we settled on having him hold the book overhead.

If we had the time and foresight, we would have made it a Dictionary-Axe. As it is, MR. GRAMMAR is obviously a very dangerous man (or is that his evil twin brother?)!

As we learned, there’s actually only one way to kill a GRAMMARIAN – to cut his (or her) head off. Of course, then s/he simply becomes a HEADLESS GRAMMARIAN, and that comes with its own special set of problems, so we eventually reattached his head, returning him to his ‘normal’ state of being.

As you can see, we leaned him up against the wall there, which worked out surprisingly well (and we were lucky enough to actually have a side wall to use – thanks TMNT guys!). One day, we’ll actually figure out how to make an effective base so he can stand on his own two feet.

And although he’s only partially articulated, I can break him down and fit him into a collapsible camping chair carrying bag. Totally freakin’ awesome!

All things considered, I think we did a real kick ass job bringing this guy to life – but it wouldn’t have been worth it if all you Grammar Geeks™ hadn’t appreciated him! So thanks to everyone who got a picture with the man, and to everyone who complimented him or smiled at him. It really means the world!